The mind of the anxious overthinker… I promise you that not all of my blogs are about my mental health. When I’m not stressed or anxious, I think I’m a hoot! Haha! (Insert nervous face emoji here)
**WARNING: Extremely vulnerable post alert.
The news came… Doug Ford was going to be making a big announcement on Monday June 8, 2020 at 1:00 p.m.. I anxiously waited for him to come on the TV screen, 10 million thoughts running through my head. “Is this it?”, “Has the time come?”
Then he said it… “As of Friday at 12:01 a.m. we will be entering into Phase 2 of reopening our province.” Panic set in, “Oh no… this is it, the time has come.”
My business had been closed since the announcement was made on March 17, 2020, that there was an Emergency order for everyone to close their businesses due to COVID-19. I had a lot of thinking to do in three months. By the end of April, the reopening of businesses didn’t look promising for the foreseeable future. So I made an announcement to cancel all remaining appointments that were pre-booked for the rest of 2020. Thinking about what things would look like when returning was keeping me up at night. I would have to start with the back log of clients that I had canceled during the mandatory closure. I would need extra time in between each client to wipe down and clean every surface including the bathroom. This would mean longer hours, more stress. I have to be so careful! The majority of my clients are in the age group that are more fragile, we need to protect them more.
The thought of changing careers had entered my mind, even pre-pandemic. As I was doing my training in college, I had dreamed of getting where I got to with my business. Running a successful mini spa in my hometown. My dream was never to have a bigger spa with employees working with me. The little introvert that I am, I always wanted it to be just me. Over the years I have met so many wonderful people and have made so many special friendships. I was so proud to have a full clientele, where we could have deep conversations because we would see each other again in four weeks. No having to make “small talk”, which, if you are an introvert or know the personality of introverts, small talk is the worst!
Doing aesthetics for 18 years with the majority of those years having run my own business was a great accomplishment. I loved being able to make my own schedule, so that I could be at all the sports, and events for my kids. A week ago I turned 38, I know this isn’t “old” but crouching over, doing pedicures all day was starting to weigh on me, started to make me feel old, like back pain old. I’m not ready to give up yet, I love these people.
Working 9-6 (sometimes 9-8) was beginning to feel like a long day, with the nature of my work. The older I get the more introverted I am becoming. From the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep I was doing everything for everyone. And my business hours never seemed to end. This may sound ridiculous, a lot of working Moms (and Dads) do this and more in a day. But for me, the introvert, spending my whole entire day doing things for people, and not having any quiet, alone time, was starting to weigh on me. I started becoming miserable to my family. I’m not ready to give up yet, I love these people.
If anyone has owned a business, they know that as the owner, you don’t really get paid. Well, at least for the amount of hours you put in. I would see 4-5 clients a day but really was working for 8-10 hours a day. I was the Aesthetician, the receptionist, the bookeeper, the order clerk, the stock clerk, the bill payer, the tax preparer, and the decision maker. This year, during the pandemic, amidst all of the “what do I do’s?”, I had to do my taxes. Doing taxes, to me, is worse than going to the dentist (which is also not my favourite). Every year, it is a sort of reality check of my yearly “income”. I know we are not defined by our income, but I can’t help but feel like a bit of a loser and failure when I see those numbers. The only way to increase my income would’ve been to put in even more hours, and I just don’t have that in me. Also, I know my pedicures would take longer than most others, but I’m a perfectionist. And for me, pedicures are more about foot care than beauty. I wish the feeling I get after making someone feel good and the wonderful conversations we have, could be enough. But my kids are getting older (and more expensive). I love these people, but I can’t do this anymore.
I decided to close my business. Permanently.
The emotional roller coaster I’ve been on since, has been exhausting. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel like this is a good step for me! Time to do something new! I feel like I am letting everyone down. Change is good right?! I like change! I feel like I am letting everyone down. Did I make a mistake? It will be fun learning something new! I feel like I am letting everyone down.
The job hunt process has been humbling to say the least. To get a higher paying job you are required to have college/university in the field and/or 3-5 years experience in the field. Great. How do I get experience if I can’t get a job? Should I go back to school? Do I really want to start a new career at the age of 40 after finishing at least 2 years of schooling? I don’t interview well since I am nervous and awkward in those situations. Did I make a mistake?
This whole process has turned me from an introvert to almost more of a recluse. I don’t want to be seen anywhere. I don’t want anyone to ask me why I made the decision I did. I don’t want anyone to ask me what I am going to do now. I am enjoying my time at home, getting the house in order and spending time with my family. All the while searching the job sites every few hours, submitting resumes and trying to tell myself that a missed opportunity just means that something better will come along.
With every lovely message I get from a past client, I cry and second guess. I did aesthetics for 18 years, it is time for something new. The reason for this blog is not for sympathy or to sound like I am whining, or to show you a whole level of crazy you didn’t know I had. It is mainly for myself to look back and remember why I made the decision I did. I am one of those suffer in silence people, I find writing (and sharing) helps. One thing I can be certain of, I put my whole heart into everything, and I will never stop daydreaming (ok two things).
In closing, I can never be so serious and end it there. So I leave you with this affirmation (bonus points if you know what it is from):
I am good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, people like me!
<3 Maxine
You bet we like you!