A Tale of an Anxious mind

This morning I procrastinated for a couple of hours before actually just leaving. The thoughts going through my head are “What has changed in stores since I have been there last?” “Do I wear a mask?” “If I wear a mask, are people going to judge me?” “If I don’t wear a mask, are people going to judge me?” “What if I do something wrong?” 

When I got to the store I sat in my truck in the parking lot for a couple of minutes, observing.  It looked like no one was wearing masks, and oh, I guess you go over there to line up. The line into the store went pretty quickly, so I just followed along, my awkward self. Oh, it looks like there is a man there wiping carts! Once it was my turn to approach the man, I panicked because “where are the carts?”. The older gentlemen was super nice and went and got one for me because apparently you are to just grab one like during “normal” times. The two people ahead of me didn’t go in with carts, so I assumed this was the “new” procedure.  So, you know, the person who doesn’t like attention drawn them is now holding up the line because the kind gentleman went to grab a cart for this dummy.  Ok, phew, I managed to get into the store. I turn right (the way I always go) only to be met with barricades.  Oh, I can’t go this way… oh there are arrows, follow the arrows you idiot!! Ok cool so I just go one concession (aisle) over to get where I usually go to. What the… there are three people walking towards me?!? I panic. OMG am I going the wrong way?? I look down at the floor, phew! I am going the right way!! Those people are not following the rules!! Once I get to the section where I usually start in, I noticed there are arrows on the floor entering the aisle. Every other one has an arrow and the ones in between say “exit”. Ok cool, it looks like the aisles are one-way, this is great! Spoiler: I knew to expect this because I had to message my cousin before I went, you know, so she could give me an encouraging “You got this!” before.  She has helped me through so much, like the first time I pumped my own gas (I was like 26) and before I could do it, I parked and called to get her to talk me through it so I didn’t look like a dummy when I went up to pump it.  And then I thought I was a pro until weeks later when I went to the old Canadian Tire pumps, which looked much different than the ones I had been to. So I just stared at it until the lady came out and told me I had to flip the lever first, and to “not worry, these pumps have dinosaur poop on them.”  Ok back to my original tale… (squirrel!! I do that!)

So once I got to the next section of the store, there were no arrows!!? OH NO!! What way am I supposed to go?? I just carried on and tried to look cool, like this was not my first COVID rodeo.  Once I got to the food aisles we were back to the arrow system, phew! In each aisle there are also lines 6 feet apart (I assume). Ok, I will just stay in my box until the person ahead of me is in the next box. Shoot I probably didn’t need to come down this aisle. I will just wait my turn. OH NO, I really hope the girl in front of me does not feel rushed, it’s ok please don’t rush. Honestly! I’m just fidgety because I’m awkward. OH NO, I hope the man waiting his turn behind me isn’t mad at me and thinks I’m taking too long. Are people looking at me wondering why I’m not wearing a mask? I managed to work my way around and was rung through without any problem. When those automatic doors opened, I felt free! I did it!! 

Now on to the next store. I’m basically a pro COVID shopper now!! I walked into the store like I was on top of the world!!  Looky here, arrows on the floor… I got this!! I peruse the produce section, ok now I just need bananas. Oop, not this aisle, arrows are pointing the wrong way must be the next one. Oop, nope not this one either, I will continue straight following the arrows. OH NO! I’m in the dairy section now, but what about my bananas!!? I only needed a few things in this store, so I casually made my way around, kept my cool.  I am not giving up on those bananas!! Oh look, these arrows are pointing toward the bananas!! Perfect, cruising right along!! I would be whistling at this point if I knew how to. Also, I should note that both times I was in the produce section there were literally no other people in there with me. I could’ve broke the rules and just went and grabbed the bananas the first time. But I’m a rule follower, I wouldn’t want anyone to be upset if I went against the grain. Maybe next time I will be a little rebel and grab the bananas right away! I quickly made my way out. I DID IT!! That morning took a lot out of me!! Writing and re-writing my shopping list. Getting the guts to go. All I forgot is a cucumber… I guess I didn’t need it that badly anyway. 

If you have made it this far, thank you for hanging in there.  I find writing about and laughing at myself for my anxiety helps. In the moment, I am not choosing to feel or think that way, it just happens. So talking about it after the fact, I can always see how ridiculous it was. And also by sharing, I find out there are so many other people like me!!

Thanks for listening, and laughing along with (AT) me.  

<3 Maxine